Saturday, April 11, 2015

24


Typing this post is a bit overwhelming for me, yet I'm hoping it will take away some of the stress I've been carrying. And maybe it will provide hope and encouragement for someone.
A friend recently announced her pregnancy, and has been posting about their journey. Reading about the struggles someone else has had, especially someone I actually know, has helped. While it is really sad, and quite a bummer people have to go through this, it is nice to know you aren't alone. Other people have to deal with the emotions, stress, and disappointment, too. So, thank you, friend.



24.

That's the number of months we have been trying to have a 2nd child. 
2 years.
We are currently in month 25 of TTC, and, it's too early to know if this month was a bust too.

I finally broke down and went to see a Doctor a few weeks ago, with my husband by my side.
The advice for him was easy - no hot showers, no hot tubs, no computer on the lap.
My advice was much harder (for me) to hear, although somewhat relieving when she told me that there wouldn't be blood work, for now. There were still tears though. I am to adjust my diet, cutting way back on carbs and cutting out the sugars. I need to loose weight, in hopes of 'fixing my hormones'. I need to stop stressing, stop over organizing everything in my life. No temping and tracking and checking, just take really expensive/'better' OPK's on certain days and record only the best day.  Change my lifestyle with hopes for the best, and come back in 2 months to show her my progress.
I have tried to redirect my stressing to focusing on eating a 'cleaner' diet, increasing my water, cutting out a bunch of added sweeteners and processed carbs. I've tried to add some exercise in to my days (something I truly dislike) - situps, push ups, squats and twists, and light weight lifts. I really don't care about becoming a fitness model, or a size 10 again. Just being healthier I suppose. And hoping it helps me get pregnant again. Not temping and tracking has helped relieve some stress as well, and the expensive OPK's are nicer and easier to use, even if they are double the price.
{I was really set back by their price, since I'm so frugal. John had to remind me, the price is for 2 months, and, if it helps us get pregnant, it's worth the money. It's only about $18 for a month. }
We also don't own a scale, so I don't know if I am loosing any weight in changing my diet around. The only change I have noticed is I am less bloated and full feeling in the evenings, and I am having to hit a bathroom every 30mins to an hour.

~

It's frustrating. It really, really is.
I've been through a mix of emotions ten-times over.
When someone announces a pregnancy, and how it was a complete unplanned surprise - I am happy, and a bit angry, I wish it were that easy for me.
When someone says it took them a long time to conceive, then says it was 3 months, I am happy, but feel upset, because 3 months is nothing
When someone says they are expecting, I am truly happy for them. All children are a wonderful blessing, and I am beyond thrilled for them. Every time.

And then I start to wonder, when will it be our turn again?
Why can't we have another child?
Is this just how it's going to be for us, a struggle every time?
What is so wrong with me, and how do I fix it?


This isn't our first time here.
15.
We tried for 15 months before we got pregnant the first time.
I charted, I checked, I tracked, then, I gave up. Then went back to charting, and, eventually, something worked out, and we got our baby. I was so happy being pregnant.

~

I had used the pill prior. We didn't want babies immediately in our marriage. But, something wasn't right. I immediately began not feeling well, and was having every side effect and reaction to the medicine I was put on. After 3 months on pill #1, a nurse agreed to switch me to a different pill, #2, with the lowest amount of hormones they could give me, to try. 6 months into that prescription, and the side effects were back. That's when we decided no more. I was getting to be too 'sick' from the pills, and it wasn't worth it. What ever happened, we would deal with.
It took me 9 months to return to a 'predictable cycle', and another 6 months after that to actually get pregnant. In theory, it's not that long, only 15 months. But at 24 years old, and in good health, it was frustrating. Especially those first 9 months.

~



My pregnancy was wonderful. We took 5 tests just to confirm it, and immediately told our families, heck, we even told our realtor the next day. It was too good not to announce to everyone. I carried to 41 weeks, had a very fast, easy, natural-assisted labor, and went home about 24 hours after delivery with a healthy baby boy.
I had difficulty nursing, and ultimately couldn't. And, at 4 weeks postpartum, I still hadn't healed from delivery, and was placed back on Pill #2 for 1 year, to try to help with my recovery, and prevent an immediate pregnancy. But even with those set backs, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
This beautiful little person filled my heart with love and joy, and gave me the greatest gift of all, motherhood.

~

My Doctor told me it was promising I have been pregnant before, and didn't need any assistance in conceiving. And not having any miscarriages is also working in my favor. It looks promising that we should be able to have more children. Why we are not, is still quite the mystery.
I know, everything happens in The Lord's timing. I can plan, but ultimately he will put my plans in motion.

This pamphlet has made it's way to my house, twice now. The first time I didn't think much of it, set it on the table, and forgot about it. Then a copy appeared a few days ago. This time, I took the time to read it :
 
And it is very true. And, a much needed reminder.
While I desire to have another baby, so, so badly, The Lord will give us one, he has proven I am able to carry a child, in his time. And as I wait, my heartache every month will be strong for the child I didn't receive that month, and in it's place, more love will grow, for the baby I know will one day come. I will cry, I will be upset, and I will move on.

In the mean time, I will look forward to the new title I am about to receive - Aunt.
In just a few weeks, a new little baby boy will join my side of the family, making me an Aunt, and giving my son a cousin/playmate, and I can not get any more excited for this new chapter!

~
If you are struggling to conceive, please know you are not alone.
Primary and Secondary infertility are much more common than they seem, however, they are not widely talked about.  Place your trust in your spouse, in your family, in your doctor(s), and in your faith/beliefs. In time, you will find happiness, and become the parent you are supposed to be, whether that is through a biological child, adoption, foster care, mentoring, or fur-babies. All are very important parents.

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